There are two basic ways to be joined in friendship with someone else. I can be attracted to the goodness and beauty of the person, or the both of us can be mutually attracted to the goodness and beauty out there in the world.
When I am focused on the other person, and they are focused on me, we call that an ‘I-Thou’ communion. You could also call it a face-to-face communion.
When the two of us are focused on the good in the world around us, we call that a ‘we’ communion. You could also call it a shoulder-to-shoulder communion.
Both kinds of communion are good, and they’re not exactly separable. The person I stand shoulder-to-shoulder with almost certainly has the kind of character I admire. The person I stand face-to-face to almost certainly will love some of the same things I do.
The two kinds of communion do have different priorities depending on the relationship. Most same-sex friendships are going to weigh much more heavily on ‘we’ communions. Marriage tilts very much the other way, to an ‘I-Thou’ communion. Depending on what has priority, how we encourage a relationship changes.
If you made it this far into the article, I’ll just tell you flat out: in marriage, date nights come before weekly meetings, in terms of priority.
There may be times when, because of a lot of external problems and stressors, we might sacrifice a date night for a night of problem-solving. Those need to be exceptions, rather than the rule.
Most couples, I wager, don’t have weekly meetings OR weekly dates. So if you’re wondering which should come first, it’s scheduling a date. Being face-to-face. Not solving problems out there.
This may be more difficult for some than others. Generally speaking, husbands would rather do something than spend time being. So spend your first few dates finding out what draws you to each other. What are the things worth celebrating about your spouse? How is your life better because they’re in it? What gifts, skills, talents, charisms do you and your spouse bring to the table, and how do they make your marriage unique?
In other friendships, when there’s some disconnect or miscommunication, it helps to refocus on what brings them together out there in the world. From there, they can reconcile. In marriage, when the spouses feel adrift, floating away from each other, it helps to refocus on what brings them together in each other. When they see each other and are seen again, they can turn as one and face the world together. They are lovers first, then teammates; face-to-face, then shoulder-to-shoulder.