Where did you learn to date?
If you’re like most people, the world of dating is colored by bits and pieces picked up from TV shows, movies, and stories from friends who are getting their formation from the same places.
Here’s the thing about TV romances and romantic comedy movies: they’re not helpful if you want to have a normal, healthy relationship. That’s why we watch them. They show irregular, abnormal, hyper-sexualized or hyper-stressful relationships playing out for as long as possible before there’s a cathartic release by the male and female protagonists coming together.
Think of “Cheers!” or “I Dream of Jeannie” or “Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman”– and I know, those are a throwback and date me… They all thrived on the will-they-or-won’t-they tension of the male and female love interests. When Lois and Clark marry in the show, the series effectively ends.
What does that teach people? For some, it tells them their best gambit is to flirt for days, weeks, months, or years before making a commitment. For others, it tells them that commitment ends the fun. For still others, it makes the idea of unrequited love seem romantic rather than harmful and futile.
What about the classic romantic comedy, “You’ve Got Mail”? Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan begin their relationship as antagonists, and Hanks has to win her over. For however delightful a movie that makes, if it leads people into thinking the best way to form a meaningful relationship is to begin as adversarial, they’re liable to make a mess of romance.
An example that hits home for me is the original Spiderman films. There was a time when I thought Peter Parker’s desire to impress a girl and say nice things to her and hope that she would notice him was a suitable way forward for me. I could’ve avoided a fair bit of heartache without that example to follow…
Part of the charm of these irregular romances is that the audience should feel frustrated. The way they’re supposed to work is like in horror movies: when the group member in a cheap horror film suggests that they all split up, the audience groans because they know that’s a mistake. But we don’t know what’s a mistake and what’s just cute when it comes to romance anymore. We don’t know what’s a losing move and what’s a winning move. Instead of the tension that comes from watching a series of mistakes and a release when things still work out, we’re nodding along and saying that that’s just the kind of relationship we wish we had.
There are better ways to express interest in members of the opposite sex. There are better ways to date. There are better ways to discern marriage. And they’re learn-able. Just not from romantic comedies or TV shows.