Let me begin this article with a confession: I’m deeply uncomfortable with failure. I don’t like it when I mess up, whether on purpose or by accident, and I hate to see other people mess up too. And that’s a problem if I want to see growth in myself and growth in my marriage.
It turns out that the process of learning and growing requires passing through from doing-something-not-at-all, to doing-it-poorly, to doing-it-competently, to doing-it-confidently. In typical modern fashion, I want to shortcut that process entirely, and go from not-doing-something to being-confident-and-competent all in one go. One of the sure things about modern shortcuts that I’ve been finding is that there is no shortcut. They don’t really exist. The shortcuts don’t take us where we want to go at all, and sometimes make arriving at our destination impossible without serious backtracking.
If I’m afraid to act because what I do might make a poor showing, I’ll never get to the point of doing the right thing well and easily. And that’s problematic, since I want to get to that point!
But over and above how limiting it is for me to try to shortcut growth, my discomfort could stunt my wife and my children’s growth. My wife loves trying new things, and every time I prompt her to hesitate for fear of her failing, I’m prompting her to stop growing. Every time I see my children fumble with buttons on their shirts or putting on their shoes and I leap to intervene, I’m robbing them of the chance to learn and improve in their dexterity. And these are huge problems.
I owe it to my wife to work toward her flourishing. That means suffering through any failures that come along, and cheering her on through the whole process to the point of competence and confidence. That’s the fuller expression of conjugal fidelity to my spouse: not just that I won’t leave her for another, but that I will also be fully present to encourage her to become the woman of virtue she’s called to be.
In my marriage, if we’re not willing to try new things that might not pan out, we’ll stagnate. Growth in our marriage means being open to failures.
I owe it to my children to let them struggle through the stages of growth. They didn’t have to exist; my wife and I brought them into the world and bear responsibility for educating them to act well in it. And the momentary frustrations of failing are part of their learning process.
If I let my discomfort rule over me, I’ll be a worse husband and father. So slowly, painfully, with poor showings many times over, I’m working on overcoming that discomfort. I hope and pray you do too!
My wife and I want to help Catholic husbands and wives to become more competent and confident at running beautiful, evangelical homes. Your marriage matters to us, in part because your marriage is capable of so much good in the world, and we love helping couples discover ways to foster growth in their marriages!