“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” -Lao Tzu
“…So does a journey of a single step.” – Joseph Gruber
Of the many questions around the current dating culture, one of the more contentious questions is what a first date is.
The spectrum of answers is so wide on the issue, it’s essentially become nonsensical. There’s not anything like consensus, and without consensus, all I have left to offer is what I hope is common sense:
A first date is a low-stakes, low-commitment, low-cost potentially-short interactive event that is in public, at a particular time and place, initiated by the man, and for the purpose of seeing if additional dates would be likely.
- It’s low stakes. By that I mean that whether it goes well or not won’t significantly impact either party. That means neither party is bought in on the other yet. No expectations color the event, other than an expectation for freedom and clarity.
- It’s low commitment. It’s not a marriage proposal, or an agreement to date exclusively, or even an assurance that the two will ever see each other again.
- It’s low cost. However much one might want to splurge and or to be lavished with fine dining, a high price point on a first date endangers points 1 and 2.
- It’s potentially short. If a first date isn’t going well, and you’re in the middle of a five-hour hike, it’s going to be an awkward two-and-a-half hour trek back. If a first date is going well, it’s worth thinking of activities that can accordion out until longer engagements. Also, if it’s going well, that’s all the more reason to want a second date.
- It’s an interactive event. That’s a meal, or sitting and drinking tea or coffee, or a walk on a path, or ice skating, or miniature golf (and yes, you can cut mini-golf short if need be), or a stroll through a museum, etc. They all allow for interaction. Movies, plays, and concerts don’t especially allow for the two to get to know one another.
- It’s in public. We live in a wacky age, where distrust is high. Better to start out in public.
- It’s at a particular time and place. This is important for when the inviting happens, but it’s also important to remember during the date. There’s a set-aside window of time to devote to getting to know another person. It’s a reason to set phones to the side and focus on the other for a set period of time.
- It’s initiated by the man. I imagine this one is where there’d be the most pushback. Ladies, you can initiate, and make the invitation. But if you do, l hope you want to continue to be the one to take initiative, because from what we’ve seen, if that’s the dynamic you begin with, it’s a hard habit to break. For my part, it’s my hope that there’s a man out there that realizes that you are worth the risk of asking you out. If men think that the women will do the asking, many won’t want to get in the way of that system by doing the asking themselves.
- It’s for the purpose of seeing if additional dates are likely. They might not be, and it’s perfectly fine to end a date with a “Thank you for the date; I don’t think I’m interested in another.” It’s also perfectly fine to end the date with “Thank you for the date; I’m interested in another if you are.” By the end of the next day, both parties should know where the other one stands, and whether they should plan to go on another date. There’s no obligation to go on another date– it might just be a journey of a single step, and it’s still worth taking.
Do all first dates need to follow that description? No, of course not. Many a couple we know had first dates radically different than described above. But for each piece of the definition that you tweak, ask yourself why you want to tweak it– what do you gain on a first date by making it a high-stakes, or high-commitment, or high-cost, or intentionally-long, or non-interactive, or at an amorphous time, or in private, or initiated by the woman, or for some other purpose than discerning additional dates?
If you want your first date to be different because you want it to be special, may I suggest that first dates as I described could be special too? Their specialness can arise organically from the starting conditions I set out; if your hope is to create a perfect, or utterly romantic, or glamorous moment, maybe you need to let those moments come on their own time.
If you want your first date to be different because you want to only date someone you want to marry, you may misunderstand what dating is. Dating is the process of finding the person you want to marry. The first date is the first step in that process, and when it leads to marriage, it’s one of the first steps to marriage. But when the first date doesn’t lead to marriage, it still leads to success: you will have successfully determined another person you won’t marry.
By all means, have other opinions on this. But if you are Catholic and single, please be willing to articulate those opinions in the dating world. If you go on a first date and both of you sit down with radically different understandings of what is going on, that’s a recipe for misunderstanding and potentially heartbreak.
And you deserve better than that.